Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
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My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.