If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
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It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
How dude HOW?!
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Stop being racist to kettles.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.