*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
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I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Boating season is upon us.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
he chose this
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.