“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
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POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
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If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
the best thing i’ve ever made
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.