Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
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Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
guilty
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
mathematically impossible
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.