my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
You Might Also Like
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole