My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
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Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
kevin is now a local weatherman
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
based al yankovic
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Well, that didn’t work.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more