Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
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Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.