husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
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Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”