Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
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SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.