OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
You Might Also Like
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
inside you are two wolves
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.