[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
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It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
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ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
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Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
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Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.