forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
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I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.