If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
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The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?