I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
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It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.