Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
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My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Breaking news:
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”