“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
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What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
*sewing*
A thread
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums