Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
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yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*