Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
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motivation
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.