“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
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[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.