Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
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Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.