Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet