Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
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Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
*me flirting
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William