Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
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They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie