If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
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“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.