Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
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Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
incredible
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles