Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
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My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
when you are just born a rebel
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.