Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
You Might Also Like
🤣😂
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
This is me
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.