I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
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Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Good dog. ❤️
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”