I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
You Might Also Like
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.