[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
You Might Also Like
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.