[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
You Might Also Like
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.