I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
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*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Never go to sleep after making me angry
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
If looks could kill
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.