“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
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My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
#merica
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Who does Amazon think I am?
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.