If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
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The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Oh my god
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.