Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
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Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
awesome draft from months ago i just found
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Sending in my taxes