My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
You Might Also Like
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?