According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
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Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
This took me a second..
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
HR said no more nunchucks.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…