Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
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GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I have a new favorite meme page
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
you gotta be faster
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.