Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Put a ring on it
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some