As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
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Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
These work great until they don’t.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.