i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
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GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.