Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
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My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
*pokes sex life with a stick
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Divorce is never funny. Unless it鈥檚 happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Hell yeah 馃憤
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn鈥檛 have any hair at all.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I鈥檓 sick of my girlfriend鈥檚 husband starting shit
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 馃憤馃挍
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
CIA Agent: First you鈥檙e gonna cry, then you鈥檙e gonna talk
Me: I鈥檒l never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
馃幍 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 馃幍
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.