i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
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Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”