If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
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WHY would you be happy about this?
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.