A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
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Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
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Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
A small tragedy.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM