It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
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Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]