If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
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Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”