Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
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4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Tell the colonel to bring it
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor