My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
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In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I have many caverns
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.